Critical Reformed Theory

One of the recent crazes in evangelicalism has been Critical Race Theory (commonly known as CRT). Nowhere has this raged like wildfire as much as non denominational churches. Sure that thing burned through the PCA like California in July but they have been stacking the heresy kindling for years now and it was only a matter of time. Separate congregations in networks and such are left pretty much to their own with only outlets like TGC to provide any kind of guidance. As such they are prone to take sway when Jamar Tisby starts to get that wobble in his voice and well up some crocodile tears. 

I would then like to put forward a new kind of CRT that would actually edify the non denominational church. Built on the same intersectional foundation that those who are most oppressed have more points and therefore should be given more power, because they have been denied it. I would like to suggest Critical Reformed Theory. The idea being that no non denominational pastor really wants a truly died in the wool reformed theologian anywhere near the levers of power. I mean he might have to force the music guy to hop off that little treadmill of his ten favorite Jesus is my boyfriend choruses. And that is just for starters. The Table would have to be fenced, sermons would focus on God instead of current events, felt needs would be a thing of the past, I mean peoples preferences would just never come into the discussion because they would know Worship is about God and not them! 

This means that the most marginalized and oppressed group in the non denominational church today is a tried and true Calvinist. And by the laws of intersectionality, they should get all the power. To that end I present the following quiz. It will rank your reformed intersectional points. The higher your score the more oppressed you are and therefore the more quickly you should be shoved onto an elder board. And if you, good calvinist that you are, object to not going through a proper rigorous elder selection process, just sooth your conscience knowing all the other guys at the table got there just for looking older than the pastor. My way is slightly better than that and you can fix the process once you are on there. Assuming they don’t kill you first.

Since this blog does nothing but cost me money I am not doing a snazzy click quiz. We are going old school. Grab a pen and paper. Write down the number for each answer you chose for every question. The point key will be after the quiz for you to total up and then find your Critical Reformed Theory score.

A. Which Version of Calvin’s Institutes have you read?

1. 1536 Edition (Battles translation)
2. 1559 Edition (Battles translation)
3. Banner of Truth “Highlights” Edition
4. There are editions?

B. Read the following excerpt and react: 

“I believe in the Holy Spirit,

      the holy catholic church,

      the communion of saints,”

1. This sounds familiar
2. Shouldn’t Catholic be capitalized?
3. Good catholic is not capitalized, as it should be
4. I still develop an eye twitch when I see the word catholic no matter it’s capitalization.

C. Music from Bethel and Hillsong is?

1. Accessible to most modern churchgoers.
2. Sometimes actually good and useful for worship.
3. Crap
4. Heresy

D. Sermons should be…

1. Long and expositional
2. Positive and encouraging
3. As a dying man speaks to dying men
4. “We have a second service coming up so, stick to the clock.”

E. Social Justice is to the church as

1. Liberation theology is to the Pope
2. The word bro is to youth ministers
3. Luther was to Papists
4. Hemlock was to Socrates

F. The Pope

1. Sweet guy
2. Has a funny hat
3. A f**king hippie
4. The vicar of Satan

G. The Puritans

1. Prudes
2. Wore funny hats
3. A gift from God
4. Largely misunderstood

H. Your favorite Christian publisher

1. Banner of Truth
2. Zondervan
3. Crossway
4. Pilgrim Publications (I only read Spurgeon sermons)

I. John Piper is

1. Sweet guy
2. should wear a funny hat
3. A gift from God
4. A joke

J. Church fathers are.

1. The Apostles?
2. Wonderful
3. Useful
4. This needs some nuance and to be narrowed down.

K. Ok, The Desert Fathers then.

1. Who?
2. Wonderful
3. Useful
4. Highly suspect.

L. We’ve been picking on Catholics for a bit. Lets talk the orthodox church.

1. F**king ecclesiastical hippies
2. “Don’t they have that funky building in Russia that looks like Christmas tree ornaments?”
3. Wonderful
4. Highly Suspect.

M. The Enneagram.

1. Wonderful
2. Useful
3. Has little to do with reformed theology so we should just ignore it an move on.
4. Not ancient but from a Russian cult so therefore, Highly Suspect.

N. Annabaptists

1. to flog a dead horse, Highly Suspect.
2. Tragic in theology and deaths.
3. Got what they deserved
4. “Wasn’t Bunyan one of them?”

O. All of a Christians life should be…

1. To glorify God and enjoy him forever.
2. Being most satisfied in God so He is most glorified in us?
3. One of repentance.
4. This is a misquote or bad paraphrase google the first of Luther’s 95 Theses.

P. The Chief end of man is?

1. Being most satisfied in God so He is most glorified in us?
2. To glorify God and to enjoy him forever.
3. Sigh. Westminster, such a classic.
4. Repentance

Q. The doctrine of Transubstantiation is?

1. Heresy.
2. A fun theological idea.
3. A cockamamy theological idea.
4. The idea that the bread and wine turn into the actual body and blood of Christ.

R. Calvinism is?

1. Heresy.
2. A fun theological idea.
3. A cockamamy theological idea.
4. Full of all sweet truth and joy.

S. The Christian position on alcohol is?

1. Teetotalism (Baptist)
2. It should be hidden in the garage incase a deacon drops by (Recovering Baptist)
3. Joyfully received as a gift from God.
4. Wildly on display (Pissed off former Baptist)

T. Personal Christian libraries should be…

1. Very current to help us navigate modern times.
2. Full of old books to intimidate any free will chump who stumbles in.
3. As full as the grace of God.
4. Mostly hardcover and clothbound editions.

Using the answer key below write your points next to your answers then finish at the totals below to see how you scored.

A. Which Version of Calvin’s Institutes have you read?

1. 10
2. 7
3. 5
4. 0

B. Read the following excerpt and react: 

“I believe in the Holy Spirit,

      the holy catholic church,

      the communion of saints,”

1. 5
2. 0
3. 10
4. 7

C. Music from Bethel and Hillsong is?

1. 0
2. 5
3. 7
4. 10

D. Sermons should be…

1. 10
2. 5
3. 7
4. 0

E. Social Justice is to the church as

1. 0
2. 5
3. 10
4. 7

F. The Pope

1. 0
2. 5
3. 10
4. 7

G. The Puritans

1. 0
2. 5
3. 7
4. 10

H. Your favorite Christian publisher

1. 7
2. 0
3. 5
4. 10

I. John Piper is

1. 10
2. 5
3. 7
4. 0

J. Church fathers are.

1. 0
2. 5
3. 10
4. 7

K. Ok, The Desert Fathers then.

1. 10
2. 0
3. 5
4. 7

L. We’ve been picking on Catholics for a bit. Lets talk the orthodox church.

1. 10
2. 5
3. 0
4. 7

M. The Enneagram.

1. 0
2. 0
3. 10
4. 7

N. Annabaptists

1. 10
2. 7
3. 5
4. 0

O. All of a Christians life should be…

1. 5
2. 0
3. 10
4. 7

P. The Chief end of man is?

1. 0
2. 10
3. 7
4. 5

Q. The doctrine of Transubstantiation is?

1. 7
2. 0
3. 10
4. 5

R. Calvinism is?

1. -100
2. 10
3. 0
4. 7

S. The Christian position on alcohol is?

1. 0
2. 5
3. 7
4. 10

T. Personal Christian libraries should be…

1. 0
2. 5
3. 7
4. 10

Score:

0 or less. Oh, The red hot gates of hell are creeping open, fall down on your knees and beg for deliverance. Satan is heating his pokers for you. You are probably Stephen Furtick.

1-100. You fit in perfectly at your non denominational church. That collection you have of Max Lucado books probably already has them eying you as a theological titan and future elder. This kind of milquetoast theology means you have too much power at the church and not enough oppression points. Repent and relinquish your control to your reformed brethren. A good start would be reparations paid out in the form of Banner of Truth gift cards.

101-139. Hmm, you could go either way at this point. Clearly you are not trusted with anything super serious but that is probably because you are not a super serious guy. Go find the guy with the perfect reformed score and let him whack you over the head with Brackel’s complete set of The Christians Reasonable Service a few times. It won’t really improve you but it will make him feel better after he just sat through your suggestion to the small group of reading through White Fragility.

140 exactly. You have chosen, wisely. Your Reformed credentials are impeccable. Your theology is as fresh and vibrant as a freshly grown tulip. This means you have no power in the church, what so ever. Your pastor tolerates your presence and small group leaders dread your attendance. If given the chance you would completely reset the church, but we both know that will never happen. Therefore, take heart, be faithful, work on showing grace, and continue to delight in the sovereignty of God.

141- 200. Well done. You have solid theology and are pretty much only wrong in the ways we would expect a former Presbyterian or Baptist to be wrong. You should probably be put in charge of things in the church, but that pretty much means the chair stacking team. Enjoy set up and tear down while knowing you could preach a sermon that would not have those niggling little errors the preaching team keeps making when it comes to current issues. You should have more power, but don’t hold your breath.