There is a minimalist way to do a social media bio which manages to be both wildly uninformative and obnoxious. At least to me. It is the three words that the person in question thinks best sums them up in a style possibly created by P.T. Barnum (The man, the myth, the legend). Much like the book Six Word Epitaphs, but not as funny. This was typified when I googled who Michal Todd is and came across his summation of himself: Michael Todd, Husband – Father – Pastor. I audibly rolled my eyes. And not just because my googling of him proved out that the word pastor should be as far from him as the east is from the west. But after this most epic of eye rolls it occurred to me that this bio system was ripe for low hanging jokes. Therefore I present a short list of pre made bios for well known individuals, who perhaps would like to outsource their online self perceptions to me.
Joel Osteen, Husband – Pastor – Charlatan
Kevin DeYoung, Reformed – Calvinist – Presbyterian
John Piper, Jesus Lover – And let me define that, because unless you first really, and truly get the all consuming, most glorious, awe inspiring person of Christ you will NEVER be able to understand…
Elon Musk, Entrepreneur – Genius – Martian
Mark Zuckerberg, 0101001001101111011000100110111101110100 – 01001001011011100110100001110101011011010110000101101110 – 0100010101101101011100000111010001111001001000000111001101101000011001010110110001101100
Servetus, Wrong – So Wrong – Dead Wrong
Calvin, Genius – Determinist – Tiger Friend
The Irish, Lovers – Fighters – Drunkards
Ming the Merciless, Emperor – Father – Eyebrows
The Pope, Antichrist – Vicar of Satan- Pointy Hat Lover
Joe Biden, Father – President – uh uh where am I? You’re a lying dog faced pony soldier!
King Tut, Boy – King – Traveling Exhibit
Donald Trump, Orange – Man – Bad
Thomas the Tank Engine, Very – Useful – Engine